The Grand Adventure of Staying Behind

A couple weeks ago I was talking with my dear friend Laura Katherine and I mentioned to her how there are a few people I always keep "on my radar," meaning I'm always aware of them in a room and in my prayers. I quietly watch over these people because I love them best.

"Who are you talking about?" she asked.
"Oh, Abby, Nathaniel, you..." said I.
"So, basically your family," she laughed.

Yeah, pretty much.

She's going away to college this week. I am excited for her. This is good, this feels so solidly right that there is no doubt God has grandly orchestrated it. She will learn and grow -- and she will help others learn and grow. I am certain that her presence there will be an unlooked-for answer to prayer for some of the people around her.

I know this because she is such an important part of my own growing and learning. Her fingerprints are all over my life: books and letters and drawings clutter up the nooks in my room. More than that, she is a teacher, confidante, playmate, sounding board, bosom friend. So much of me is made from what I've learned from her.

Part of me is freaking out that she's leaving. Who will I watch over? Who will watch over me?

God is still sovereign, even over goodbyes. And I remind myself that this is in no way a goodbye, it's a "see you soon." I mourn the end of a season but I look forward to different seasons.

For now, I am here... on a grand adventure at home.

Our Prom Date... sort of.

Lessons Learned

01. People can and will make something out of nothing.

02. It is almost impossible to be rude to someone who is smiling at you.

03. If you are hunting a shape shifter, never ever say to your friend, "Let's split up."

04. The drama llama wants your sympathy, not your advice.

05. It's possible to survive and even function normally without coffee.

06. Sometimes the best way to unwind is to read a book that you already know.

07. Be careful when you say "oh no lol I'm not a tenderhead at all" because everybody has a different scale of tenderness.

08. Take a lunchbreak.

09. Ask lots of questions.

10. Answer questions patiently and thoroughly.

11. When you are giving someone a pedicure, put your hair up.

12. Sometimes when people ask you how you're doing, they're really just waiting for you to ask the same of them.

13. Be nice to everyone, especially when you don't want to.

14. When you pull warm laundry out of the dryer, snuggle it for a moment.

15. The best way to stop crying is to laugh.

16. When you're painting a wall, you have to be just as neat the second time as you were the first time.

17. Usually it's just better not to announce that you speak a made-up language from a fictional world.

18. Should you choose to rub your eyeball while you're driving, check the road ahead for massive potholes.

19. If you're stressed about something, pray it over and then forget it for awhile.

20. Everyone has been lonely or angry or hurt or scared or weak at some time in their life, you're not the only one.

21. When you have a baby in your arms and someone says, "Oh could I hold him for a moment? I'll give him right back" they are actually saying "kthxBAI!"

22. Things generally take a little longer than you expect; plan accordingly.

23. Keep going, it gets better.


There's so much out there to see

Growing Up and Stuff

Remember when you were an awkward kid and you had more knees and elbows and pimples than you could shake a stick at? I sure do.

Remember when you suddenly turned into a grown up? I sure don't. Maybe that's because I still trip sometimes and I get breakouts when I'm stressed or particularly dirty.

Actually, it's probably because I haven't finished growing up yet. That's alright. I like to think of myself as some kind of hybrid-thing, or rather that I'm in transition, like a molting chicken. One day they look like a fluffy chick, then next day they look like an alien. Eventually they'll look like a real chicken again. So for now, I'm an ALIEN!

Ways that I'm growing up:
1) I work out like a boss! (Which is to say that I actually do it instead of saying I'll do it tomorrow.)
2) I can be nice even when I don't feel like it. (Which is not to say that I always do. See list below.)
3) I pay bills. (Which is to say that I did when I had a job. And I will when I start my new job.)
iv) I can watch the news without falling asleep. (Keyword: can. Not keyword: often.)
5) I cry when Mufasa dies.
6) Actually that's all I got. I guess I'm not done growing yet! :)

Ways that I'm still a kid:
1) You know how when you're little and you find out that you're older than your playmate and you immediately feel superior? Yeah. That's me. Oh you were born three months after I was? Well obviously I'm in charge around here. You have a problem with that? Let's just take a look at my date of birth...
2) I'm not always nice even though I should be. I'm so mad that you didn't respect my feelings. Boo, hiss.
3) I have a colouring book. I know it's not canon but I'm thinking Belle's dress should be blue this time.
iv) I HATE going to bed. I'm not tired!! zzzzz
5) I cry when Mufasa dies. It's okay Simba... :'(
6) I get Happy Meals just for the toy!! A watch? THAT'S IT??!!

Strangely enough, this song brought about these ruminations...

The Clouds Above Opening Up

I just graduated from hell.

It sounds a little melodramatic, but truly, Aveda has been rather nightmarish. It felt like psychological warfare. And not just school itself, the whole season of life. I have never been so angry -- angry at God, angry at my family, angry at myself. I was angry for so long that I lost my joy and my hope. I knew that I was spiraling into self-destruction and I knew that the only one who could help me was God.

But I didn't want to have anything to do with God.

He was the one that got me into this mess, right? He was the one that moved my friends away and then poured me, alone, into a deep dark place. He was the one that abandoned me right when I was loneliest. I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that He is capable of all things, that He could turn the tides of my heart. But I figured that if He wanted to, He would have done it already. I despaired that I had become so angry, so ugly, that God had turned away in disgust. That made me even angrier.

People began to notice how dark I had become. My dad and my friend repeatedly encouraged me to spend time in the Word, refreshing myself in God's presence. I would waffle around the subject, agreeing but never committing.

I went to NEXT waiting to be rescued. One of the speakers encouraged us to expect great things to happen over the weekend. I cried. Great things didn't happen to ugly people like me.

At last, I cried out desperately to God. Oh Lord. I do not even have a desire for You. I have nothing to offer. Please, just turn my face back to You. And He quietly did. I began to see His fingerprints everywhere. A wonderful job, renewed friendships, stronger resolve. I began to press into Scripture and "God books" like Dug Down Deep. More than that, joy is creeping back in. I've got the wiggles and I can't seem to stop dancing.

I feel like springtime and waking up and unfolding. I realize how blinded I became during school. Yes, God did uproot me from my comfort zone and then plant me in unfamiliar, uncomfortable soil. But He didn't do it to isolate me until I withered, like I had thought. He brought me out to that lonely place so that I would discover just how much I need Him.

I've learned a lot during my stay at Aveda. Most of it isn't about hair.

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The clouds above opening up through my window, I see the sky's still blue.