The Clouds Above Opening Up

I just graduated from hell.

It sounds a little melodramatic, but truly, Aveda has been rather nightmarish. It felt like psychological warfare. And not just school itself, the whole season of life. I have never been so angry -- angry at God, angry at my family, angry at myself. I was angry for so long that I lost my joy and my hope. I knew that I was spiraling into self-destruction and I knew that the only one who could help me was God.

But I didn't want to have anything to do with God.

He was the one that got me into this mess, right? He was the one that moved my friends away and then poured me, alone, into a deep dark place. He was the one that abandoned me right when I was loneliest. I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that He is capable of all things, that He could turn the tides of my heart. But I figured that if He wanted to, He would have done it already. I despaired that I had become so angry, so ugly, that God had turned away in disgust. That made me even angrier.

People began to notice how dark I had become. My dad and my friend repeatedly encouraged me to spend time in the Word, refreshing myself in God's presence. I would waffle around the subject, agreeing but never committing.

I went to NEXT waiting to be rescued. One of the speakers encouraged us to expect great things to happen over the weekend. I cried. Great things didn't happen to ugly people like me.

At last, I cried out desperately to God. Oh Lord. I do not even have a desire for You. I have nothing to offer. Please, just turn my face back to You. And He quietly did. I began to see His fingerprints everywhere. A wonderful job, renewed friendships, stronger resolve. I began to press into Scripture and "God books" like Dug Down Deep. More than that, joy is creeping back in. I've got the wiggles and I can't seem to stop dancing.

I feel like springtime and waking up and unfolding. I realize how blinded I became during school. Yes, God did uproot me from my comfort zone and then plant me in unfamiliar, uncomfortable soil. But He didn't do it to isolate me until I withered, like I had thought. He brought me out to that lonely place so that I would discover just how much I need Him.

I've learned a lot during my stay at Aveda. Most of it isn't about hair.

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The clouds above opening up through my window, I see the sky's still blue.