Greener Pastures

So I started a new job on Tuesday.

Now, don't get me wrong -- this is good. Like, super good. It means I'm in the home stretch of paying my dues. It means I have the potential to grow and grow and grow. It means in many ways, I'm now my own boss. It means better hours, better pay, better clientele.

But it also means a new job. Ugh, scary.

One quick thing you should probably know about me: I'm scared of everything. I'm scared of burning my lips on hot coffee and I'm afraid of talking on the phone and I'm terrified that my car will be stolen. Don't get me started on being home alone when it's dark out. Ghosties and gremlins and filing my taxes. Most of all, new things frighten me. New faces, new places, new stages. So a new job is a mingled thing. It's good, and it's scary.

After a tepid first day, in which I was pretty much an unpaid receptionist, I felt a little spooked. Oh no, I thought. This isn't going to work. There were layers upon layers of insecurity all starting to boil and bubble and stir. I won't get into all of it, because it's ugly. The point is, I was not a happy camper on the drive to my second day of work. The only things I could think about were how alone I felt, how insignificant my contribution seemed to be, and how much I wanted to go back home.

God works in funny ways. This time, He reached through the radio and put His arms around me by means of a song that has been very comforting many times before -- Home by Phillip Phillips.

Settle down, it'll all be clear

Don't pay no mind to the demons

They fill you with fear

The trouble it might drag you down

If you get lost you can always be found

Just know you're not alone

I'm gonna make this place your home

I think God can redeem what might have been intended as a frivolous, worldly song and use to to speak directly to us. There have been lots of times when I've heard songs on the radio and felt the voice of God saying "Hey, listen up, the rest of these lyrics are not applicable, but I'm saying don't you worry child directly to you." So hearing settle down, you're not alone, you might feel lost and overwhelmed but I know exactly where you are while I was wallowing in self-doubt -- well then!

I wish I could say that poof! That made all the difficulties of a new job just disappear, or that my fear completely evaporated, or that I'm now raking in fistfuls of money. Those things haven't happened. But I serve a God Who not only has the grand design in place, but also paints with a fine brush. I am grateful that my God cares for me in even in such a little thing as being afraid of new places.

In Awful and Surprising Truth

 I sometimes think that I don't matter to God.

I feel like God has checked me off His list, like, OK, now that I've saved Emma's eternal soul, I can put her over there and let her do her thing. She'll figure it out eventually. In my mind, God has essentially put me into daycare while He does much more important things. I feel like everything is up to me because I shouldn't bother God with my small heartbreaks and nosebleeds and temper tantrums. I take what seems like God's silence as forgetfulness.

Well Emma, let me be the first to tell you that you're completely wrong!

In one of the Elisabeth Elliot's books, she says that Christ must be our first love. I used to think that meant that Christ was the one we loved first, as in a fixed point in time. Like He was a high school sweetheart. Um wow Emma you have some really stupid preconceived notions about theology. Reading that book, it struck me like a lightning bolt. First love means the epicenter, the core, the foundation of all other loves. My love for Christ should inform my love for everything else, and it should inform me about Christ's love for me. After all, "we love because He first loved us."

As this realization washed over me, I felt troubled. Christ is not my first love. I am my first love.

I cried out to God. Help me fall in love with you. I can't bring anything. Almost immediately, I strongly felt the need to read about Christ, to learn about Him. To rediscover what He did for sinners, and for me. I began to research God's promises.

This brings me back to my first point: feeling forgotten. God doesn't put me into daycare. God is effecting all of His promises on me -- to prosper, to complete His work, to protect, to strengthen, to save. The Bible says nothing about God upholding His word when it's convenient for Him. It says that His steadfast love endures forever and He will not forsake the work of His hands.

"In awful and surprising truth, we are the objects of His love. You asked for a loving God: you have one. The great spirit you so lightly invoked, the "lord of terrible aspect," is present: not a senile benevolence that drowsily wishes you to be happy in your own way, not the cold philanthropy of a conscientious magistrate, nor the care of a host who feels responsible for the comfort of his guests, but the consuming fire Himself, the Love that made the worlds, persistent as the artist's love for his work and despotic as a man's love for a dog, provident and venerable as a father's love for a child, jealous, inexorable, exacting as love between the sexes." -C.S. Lewis

Flying

Whenever I'm in a plane, I wonder if we'll use up all the runway before we get off the ground. Come on, pilot. I really think you should lift off now.

That's really just very silly of me because, of course, I can't see how much runway is left. Even if I could, I have no idea how much a plane needs to take off.

I am struck by how that mirrors my confidence in God's timing. Oh no, God!  I wail. I'm going to run out of strength and grace if You don't take off soon! I'm going to crash and burn!  I say this while I look out of a tiny peephole that cannot even begin to capture the scope of where I'm going.

For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future. Be patient. There is enough runway.

Obviously God knows what He’s doing.

Let's be honest, my mind goes here too.

For the First Time

I am starting to realize that real life is so much better than books.

Surrendering My Teaspoonful

So lately I've been realizing that my plans and God's plans might not be exactly the same.

Um.... hmm.

I've always assumed it was just a timing thing. Okay, God, I can wait for my plans to come about. I don't mind if it takes a few years... But there's this sense of entitlement that my plans are going to happen because I obviously know best. It doesn't even occur to me that God might have something else in mind.

Specifically, these ruminations have been related to marriage. It is my dream, my plan if you will, to marry and have a family. I've wanted to adopt children for as long as I can remember. Lately, I've been pining for it. How ready do I have to be, God? You've given me these desires and You are not cruel. Surely You won't fill my heart with dreams and then withhold them from me?

Elisabeth Elliot encourages her single readers to view their singleness as a gift to be given as a fragrant offering to God. But she acknowledges that "to make that gift an offering may be the most costly thing one can do, for it means the laying down of a cherished dream of what one wanted to be, and the acceptance of what one did not want to be." (The Path of Loneliness)

That made me cry a little bit. I don't want to, was pretty much all I could whine to God.

Over the next couple days, I quietly realized that, unlike me, God is not planning my whole life around marriage. Whether it's in His plans or not, He is working for my good right now. He's not just saying, Ok let's get Emma prepped to get married. Oh wow, she's being really immature today. Add another year until she meets Fabrizio*.  No! It's not like that at all. Yes, He is preparing me to become whoever I'll grow up to be, but He's put me in this place because it's good for me right now.

"If you ask your Father for bread, he will not give you a stone. If you ask him for a fish, he will not give you a serpent (see Matt. 7:9-10). It may not be bread. And it may not be a fish. But it will be good for you. That is what he promises (Rom. 8:28)."
John Piper, Suffering and the Sovereignty of God

Let's get honest here. I sincerely hope that I don't stay single forever. I certainly don't want to stay in this job forever. But I can lay down my cherished dreams and accept what I don't want to be -- although I won't lie, I cry about it sometimes. When I cry, though, I can rest in the knowledge that even though it's not bread and fish, it is good for me.

"With what misgivings we turn over our lives to God, imagining somehow that we are about to lose everything that matters. Our hesitancy is like that of a tiny shell on the seashore, afraid to give up the teaspoonful of water it holds lest there not be enough in the ocean to fill it again. Lose your life, said Jesus, and you will find it. Give up, and I will give you all. Can the shell imagine the depth and plenitude of the ocean? Can you and I fathom the riches, the fullness, of God's love?"
Elisabeth Elliot, The Path of Loneliness

*Fabrizio is our family's name for whoever I marry

Catch and Release Part 2

I'm really terrible at putting things down.


By "things" I don't mean physical things. I'm talking about spiritual things. I clutch all my struggles right to my chest. I don't show them to anybody. Sometimes I pretend that if I hold them so closely in my hands until I can't see them, maybe they don't exist. 

God has other plans for me.


I'll take that, He says.


NOOOOO!!!!!  I scream. I don't want to give it up! I want to anguish over it!!


Cast your burden on the LORD, and He will sustain you; He will never permit the righteous to be moved.¹ Give it over, Emma.


It's not that bad, I rationalize. I can handle this. Just give me a minute. 


Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time He may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on Him, because He cares for you.² Emma, you do not have this under control.


I don't want to trouble You with this. It's really nothing. I begin to waver. Are You sure this is worth Your time?


Blessed be the Lord, Who daily bears us up; God is our salvation.³ Yes, I'm sure. Lay that burden right at my feet.

I wrestle it out with God. At last, I lay it down. I am worn out and all I have left is to give this struggle over to You. It's a relief and I always feel better when I let go and let God. But do you know what I do next?

I PICK IT BACK UP!!!

Why do I do that? 

I forget God's faithfulness. I agonize over laying my burden down, but once it's out of my hands, I think, Maybe God forgot about me. 

Not so!

"As for You, O LORD, You will not restrain Your mercy from me; Your steadfast love and Your faithfulness will ever preserve me!" -Psalm 40:11

"For the word of the LORD is upright, and all His work is done in faithfulness." -Psalm 33:4

"The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases; His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness." -Lamentations 3:22-23

Let's be real here. I'm going to wrestle with God while I'm still on this earth. Sin is no joke. But by God's grace I hope I can learn to leave my cares at the foot of the cross. 

1 - Psalm 55:22

2 - 1 Peter 5:6-7

3 - Psalm 68:19

We worship with the sound of broken shackles falling to the ground.

Lessons Learned

01. People can and will make something out of nothing.

02. It is almost impossible to be rude to someone who is smiling at you.

03. If you are hunting a shape shifter, never ever say to your friend, "Let's split up."

04. The drama llama wants your sympathy, not your advice.

05. It's possible to survive and even function normally without coffee.

06. Sometimes the best way to unwind is to read a book that you already know.

07. Be careful when you say "oh no lol I'm not a tenderhead at all" because everybody has a different scale of tenderness.

08. Take a lunchbreak.

09. Ask lots of questions.

10. Answer questions patiently and thoroughly.

11. When you are giving someone a pedicure, put your hair up.

12. Sometimes when people ask you how you're doing, they're really just waiting for you to ask the same of them.

13. Be nice to everyone, especially when you don't want to.

14. When you pull warm laundry out of the dryer, snuggle it for a moment.

15. The best way to stop crying is to laugh.

16. When you're painting a wall, you have to be just as neat the second time as you were the first time.

17. Usually it's just better not to announce that you speak a made-up language from a fictional world.

18. Should you choose to rub your eyeball while you're driving, check the road ahead for massive potholes.

19. If you're stressed about something, pray it over and then forget it for awhile.

20. Everyone has been lonely or angry or hurt or scared or weak at some time in their life, you're not the only one.

21. When you have a baby in your arms and someone says, "Oh could I hold him for a moment? I'll give him right back" they are actually saying "kthxBAI!"

22. Things generally take a little longer than you expect; plan accordingly.

23. Keep going, it gets better.


There's so much out there to see

Catch and Release

So, I'm a worrier.

I worry about lots of things. Am I rubbish as a hairdresser? Will I get married someday? Is my nephew going to like me as he gets older?  I get so wrapped up in fear and doubt and worry that I forget that I have Somebody on my side. In fact, the Author and Perfecter of faith is authoring me.

With this in mind, I've been wrestling with my worry. Begone, foul dwimmorlaik!  I call it catch and release, because:

Catch:

"We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ," -2 Corinthians 10:5 (my emphasis)

Release:

"Trust in Him at all times, O people; pour out your heart before Him; God is a refuge for us." -Psalm 62:8 (my emphasis)

In the first scripture, I assumed that "against the knowledge of God" meant errant worldviews, like evolution or relativism. But then I realized that the "knowledge of God" can also mean our personal  knowledge of God. I know that God is a generous, kind Father. When I worry, I am sneakily saying God isn't big enough to handle my problems. Silly Emma! So I must take every worrisome thought captive.

The second Scripture is obvious. Not only are we called to trust God, we are also instructed to pour out our hearts before Him. This is said in the context of refuge, which is defined as a "source of help, relief, or comfort  in times of trouble." There is no fear too unfounded, no doubt too unmerited, and no sin too ugly for God to handle. So I must release every worry to Him.

This is my prayer in the battle, when triumph is still on its way.

Life Lessons: Volleyball Edition

I'm pretty bad at volleyball.

For starters, the whole hand-eye-coordination thing is tough. And being aggressive, ahhh, it's not my strength. I see that volleyball flying toward me and I think, that's going to hit me in the head and I'm going to die. I get awful tunnel vision and I sort of lose my motor function in blind panic.

So, why did I join a volleyball team? Bad decision, Emma. Perhaps you should return to low-impact sports, such as crafting or watching TV.


We had our first game today. For our very first match, we played the setting sun. The combination of sun and sweat in my eyes immediately made me start crying uncontrollably. Not the best start to the game, people. From there I pretty much tumbled downhill. I think I said "Sorry!" approximately twelve million times. It's sort of extra humbling when you're playing with really good people and you're obviously dragging the team down.

My time at school really shook my confidence. Confidence in myself, in other people, and even in God. Going outside of my comfort zone feels especially vulnerable right now. So after the game today, I walked away resolved to quit the team.

But you know what I did  learn at school?

I'M NOT A QUITTER.

By golly, if God can get me through ten months of Aveda, He can get me through a volleyball game!

I realized that early on, I started focusing on how badly I was playing. I began to passively feel sorry for myself instead of actively playing the game. I may be pretty bad at volleyball, but I'm not terrible!

So here's my volleyball resolution: Fake It Til You Make It. I'm going to stay positive, I'm going to go after that volleyball, and I'm going to learn from my mistakes. And I'm not going to quit.

This, including the dance moves.

The Clouds Above Opening Up

I just graduated from hell.

It sounds a little melodramatic, but truly, Aveda has been rather nightmarish. It felt like psychological warfare. And not just school itself, the whole season of life. I have never been so angry -- angry at God, angry at my family, angry at myself. I was angry for so long that I lost my joy and my hope. I knew that I was spiraling into self-destruction and I knew that the only one who could help me was God.

But I didn't want to have anything to do with God.

He was the one that got me into this mess, right? He was the one that moved my friends away and then poured me, alone, into a deep dark place. He was the one that abandoned me right when I was loneliest. I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that He is capable of all things, that He could turn the tides of my heart. But I figured that if He wanted to, He would have done it already. I despaired that I had become so angry, so ugly, that God had turned away in disgust. That made me even angrier.

People began to notice how dark I had become. My dad and my friend repeatedly encouraged me to spend time in the Word, refreshing myself in God's presence. I would waffle around the subject, agreeing but never committing.

I went to NEXT waiting to be rescued. One of the speakers encouraged us to expect great things to happen over the weekend. I cried. Great things didn't happen to ugly people like me.

At last, I cried out desperately to God. Oh Lord. I do not even have a desire for You. I have nothing to offer. Please, just turn my face back to You. And He quietly did. I began to see His fingerprints everywhere. A wonderful job, renewed friendships, stronger resolve. I began to press into Scripture and "God books" like Dug Down Deep. More than that, joy is creeping back in. I've got the wiggles and I can't seem to stop dancing.

I feel like springtime and waking up and unfolding. I realize how blinded I became during school. Yes, God did uproot me from my comfort zone and then plant me in unfamiliar, uncomfortable soil. But He didn't do it to isolate me until I withered, like I had thought. He brought me out to that lonely place so that I would discover just how much I need Him.

I've learned a lot during my stay at Aveda. Most of it isn't about hair.

---

The clouds above opening up through my window, I see the sky's still blue.